I have been absent from the blogging world for over a month! Sorry about that. I've been doing some intense face-time with my Bible. I've cried a lot too. I'm not sure what is pregnancy hormones, or what is real feelings some days. I guess that's how pregnancy goes! Ha!
About a month or so ago, my regular jeans were not working anymore, and the realization that I no longer had maternity clothes hit me. It took me a week to get my grasp on it. Just when I thought, "It's been a year since the fire. We have been through 4 seasons. We have everything we need" I was hit with a brick. That wasn't the worst of it.
The thought that I'd never see the precious baby things that my babies wore and used hit me harder than I had imagined. Actually, I never really imagined it hitting me because you see, I did not have a reason to think about it before. Again, my motto of "We have everything we need, until we need something we don't have" came back in my mind. Oh, how I would love to get boxes out of the attic -- boxes of tiny baby clothes and receiving blankets and precious mementos. I'd love to look through them and reminisce and wash them and fold them for this new baby... But I can't. These are one more category of items that the fire stole from me.
I've been processing a lot of this lately. Some has been healthy through prayer and time with the Lord. Some has not been healthy-- crying, taking out my pain on
I wanted to blog so badly, and get my thoughts out, but He told me to wait, so that's what I was going to do. I wrote in my journal and prayed and read and prayed and read. I made a conscious effort to not be discouraged.
During these weeks, he gave me this verse in Revelation 21:5
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
God told me he was making everything new. I wasn't going to look at this next season and get discouraged because I was starting over, yet again with something else -- Another category of loss. NO! He told me that He is making all things new! I'm going to get excited about this NEW baby, this NEW life inside of me, this NEW chapter for our family, and NEW baby stuff!
Then it came. His answer, in the form of a baby crib. This is what He wanted me to wait on. Sunday night we got word that a baby crib was waiting for us to pick up. I immediately started crying. Not because we were getting a free crib ( because that was really exciting!) but because God was answering my call to silence. He was telling me it was all going to be okay. In HIS timing, in his utterly amazing perfect timing, he would provide for all things needed-- not just for this baby, but in my healing.
I felt like today was the day to start writing again. I love documenting our lives. Family and friends keep up with us this way too. I don't ever want to come off as sounding whiny or anything like that. I want you to know that grieving is still a process. If you've grieved anything, you know this. This whole process has been so different that I would have expected. Now that we have a new city, home, school, etc. I didn't expect to hit another terribly hard moment. This whole (rip the scab off, painful) grieving baby things caught me off guard.
I guess it is safe to say that it may happen again. For now, I'm resting and waiting on Him. My healer. My provider. My Abba Father. My sustainer. My friend and confidant. My forever love. My Lord.